


Dancing on the Back of My Brain

by blueeyedrichie



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crushes, Eddie talks a little about his fantasies, First Kiss, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Language, Mutual Pining, Pining, Stan and Eddie talk about their feelings, for Eddie anyway, mutual obliviousness, steddie, this has lowkey poly losers vibes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:09:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28714074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueeyedrichie/pseuds/blueeyedrichie
Summary: “Me?”Eddie rolls his eyes, but it’s mostly to try and replace his embarrassment with annoyance. It doesn’t work too well.“Yeah. Is that so crazy?”Stanley immediately shakes his head, his cheeks now pink, and that takes a little of the edge off. Barely.“No, Eddie. No. That’s- that’s not crazy. At all.”~Stanley gives him a nod and a smile. “So?”“What?”“How did you imagine it? With me?”
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Stanley Uris
Comments: 13
Kudos: 27





	Dancing on the Back of My Brain

**Author's Note:**

> hello if you're here i'm assuming you're one of the other four steddie shippers in the fandom and if not then i hope you find this enjoyable and cute anyway~
> 
> [come talk to me on tumblr!](https://blueeyedrichie.tumblr.com)

“You like Mike?”

“You like _Richie?”_

Eddie scoffs at him, but he quickly deflates. Because yeah, okay. That’s fair. Fuck if he’s going to admit that, though.

“But… I thought you liked Patty?”

Stanley blushes and rubs a nervous hand over the back of his neck. 

“I do.”

Eddie’s mouth forms into a surprised little ‘o’, his eyes wide. 

“So- so you’re like-”

“I don’t really know, Eddie. I always liked girls, you know? I still do. But one day I visited Mike at the farm and I helped him set up a little fire outside. We made s’mores and talked all night. And when I told him I was cold… he wrapped his arm around me and I just- I think that’s when I realized.” Stanley looks at him with pleading eyes, as if to say _please tell me that makes sense. You get it, right?_ And it’s not that it doesn’t make sense to Eddie, but he doesn’t have the whole ‘also liking girls’ thing to deal with. “You- do you like girls, too?”

So this is it, he supposes. The first time he’s going to say it out loud. He thinks back to when he was younger - when he’d see Greta outside as he walked past her house, thinking how nice she always looked, how she’s the type of girl he should have a crush on. But that’s as far as those thoughts ever went. She didn’t make his heart beat fast or his belly flutter. He just knew objectively that yeah, she’s pretty. Yes, she is someone he should want to date. But he didn’t want to. Every time he passed her house, these thoughts entered his mind, and as soon as she was out of sight again, his mind replaced those images with ones of Richie’s big, goofy smile and his sparkling eyes. And then he’d feel his heart and his belly going crazy, and even though he knew it was wrong, he couldn’t stop it. Still hasn’t ever been able to stop it.

“Eddie?”

He snaps out of his thoughts to meet Stanley’s slightly manic gaze.

“Um…” he tries to hold his eyes, but he looks away shyly with warm cheeks, “n-not really. No. I don’t.”

Stanley lifts his brows curiously, but not in a way that makes Eddie uncomfortable. Almost like Eddie just confirmed what Stanley had been thinking. Still, before Stanley even has a chance to comment, Eddie’s mouth is moving.

“I dunno, okay? When we were kids, I used to look at girls and think ‘oh, she’s pretty’ or ‘I should have a crush on her’. You know? Like Greta. For a long time I tried so hard to like Greta, but I just… I just didn’t. And then Beverly- like, I know she’s beautiful. She is so gorgeous. But I don’t feel anything for her. I’ve never felt anything for a girl. I always thought to myself the way Richie made me feel was the way I should feel when Beverly smiles at me, but I never did. Only Richie could make me feel that way. Well- and for a while, Bill, I guess. But it wasn’t quite the same as how Richie made me- _makes me-_ feel. And…” he trails off, finally looking back up into Stan’s eyes, only to find a gentle understanding there, but it quickly morphs into slight confusion when Eddie abruptly stops speaking.

“And what?”

And well, he may as well just say it now, right? It’s not like he has a crush on Stan anymore. Okay, that’s not exactly true either. Fuck it.

“And you.”

It’s Stan’s turn to wear the surprised little ‘o’ on his mouth, and Eddie’s blush bleeds all the way under his collar.

“ _Me?_ ”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but it’s mostly to try and replace his embarrassment with annoyance. It doesn’t work too well.

“Yeah. Is that so crazy?”

Stanley immediately shakes his head, his cheeks now pink, and that takes a little of the edge off. Barely.

“No, Eddie. No. That’s- that’s not crazy. At all.”

Eddie’s brows raise now, his eyes tracking the movements of Stanley nervously rubbing his palms over the thighs of his jeans. The pink in his cheeks has quickly darkened, and Eddie swallows thickly, feeling that familiar fluttering sensation deep in his belly again. So what if he was lying about Richie being the only one to make him feel this way? More accurately, Richie is the only one to _consistently_ make him feel this way. To be able to make it happen, as if he knows exactly how to. Even though Eddie knows that can’t be true. Probably. Maybe this is what it’s like to have a crush on two people. Stanley seems to understand that well enough. Eddie makes a mental note to ask him about that at a more appropriate time.

“Okay…” he says slowly, wringing his hands in his lap. “I’m glad… you don’t think it’s crazy?”

Eddie doesn’t dare allow himself to believe the intrusive little thought in his mind: that Stanley feels the same way. But is it really that hard to believe? 

When they were kids, Stan and Eddie spent a lot of time together. They’d leave and join hangouts together; they’d do things - just the two of them - like homework or other stuff that the rest of the losers just weren’t interested in. They’ve always been close. They were all really close - still are - but maybe Eddie just didn’t notice how often Stan was the reason for the butterflies swarming his stomach. Maybe he was too busy assuming it was always Richie, and the effects just clung to him even in Stan’s presence. But with the way their wings are tickling his insides now, he knows it can’t be Richie’s doing. He knows it’s because he and Stan just keep staring at each other nervously, like they’ve just admitted their deepest, darkest secrets. Maybe they have.

“We always… we would spend a lot of time together, you know?”

Enough, apparently, for Stan to read Eddie’s mind. Jesus.

“Yes, I know.” Eddie mumbles, tilting his head.

“I always really liked spending time with you, Eddie. I still do, obviously. I dunno, man. It’s like… it’s like I was so distracted by the others - by Mike mostly, I guess, that I just-”

“You didn’t realize that sometimes I was the one making you feel that way?”

Stanley’s eyes go comically wide, and Eddie would laugh, if he wasn’t mirroring the expression.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

A breathy laugh falls from Stan’s lips, and Eddie can hear the unease in it. He offers him a small smile, hoping the look in his eyes is one of reassurance.

“We’ve been friends for fucking ever, you’d think we would have caught onto it by now.” Stan laughs again, and this one is more real. It puts Eddie at ease. 

“I mean, it’s not like it was gonna get any easier to notice the older we got. We were too naive as kids, too distracted when we were teenagers, and now we’re in fucking college trying to figure out what to do with our lives. I’ve barely even admitted out loud that I like Richie, I wasn’t about to delve into whatever else was going on in here.” Eddie laughs softly, gesturing at himself. Stanley gives him a warm smile, and for the first time, when he feels the sticky warm feeling begin oozing like honey inside him, he fully understands it’s all because of Stan. 

“When did you get so wise? I thought that was my thing,” Stanley chuckles, moving some curls away from his own forehead. 

“Must have been all that time I spent with you,” Eddie says softly, giving him a shy smile.

“Must have been.” 

They’re silent for a moment then, only the muted voices on the lawn outside the university can be heard through the closed window. Their assignments lay forgotten beside each of them, and Eddie feels his heart thudding rapidly in his chest. 

It becomes too much, after a few minutes. Silence is something he’s always enjoyed sharing with Stan, but right now it just feels too heavy.

“So- so are you thinking of telling him? Mike, I mean. Or- or Patty?”

“Patty knows. I mean, we’ve hung out a few times and we kinda talked about it. But she wants to focus on her classes right now, she’s got a hell of a workload this semester.”

Eddie nods. “That makes sense, yeah.”

“As for Mike… I don’t know. I’m not sure that anything would ever come of it. Sometimes I think, maybe, you know? Maybe he feels it too. But I see the way he looks at Bill and I just. I don’t know!” he laughs, a real laugh, and Eddie joins in easily. What else is there to do but laugh, really? It all seems so ridiculous, because if Eddie had to guess, he’d say that all the losers are in love in one way or another. Not all romantically, but in a way that it wouldn’t make things weird for one to tell another about it. Even with Mike, Eddie can see all the reasons why Stan would love him. It’s almost scary, how Eddie feels like if he thinks about it too long, he’ll fall in love with Mike, too. “Do you… are you gonna tell Richie?”

Eddie’s blush returns in full force. Part of him thinks Richie must know by now. There’s no way he doesn’t. Despite how Richie likes to portray himself and what people that don’t know him very well may think, Richie is incredibly observant. Richie has always known Eddie better than anyone, so he must know. Which is largely why he’s so terrified to tell Richie. Because maybe Richie knows, and he doesn’t feel the same way, and that’s why it hasn’t come up yet. The thought pulls a frown onto his face, and he sighs defeatedly.

“I dunno. Probably not.”

“Why not?” Stan looks shocked, and Eddie scoffs at him. 

“Because! It’s been so long, Stanley. Obviously he doesn’t feel the same way, it would have come up by now, don’t you think?”

Stanley gives him a serious look. “Well, it took us this long, didn’t it? Who says it couldn’t take just as long for you two? Longer, even?”

Yeah, he has a point. Stan is fucking observant too, and somehow they’re just now having this conversation. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that he and Richie are truly just that oblivious to each other. Smack dab right in the middle of the realm, to be honest.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Stanley chuckles, shaking his head. “Do you think any of the others have had this conversation? Or are we really the first to realize that we’ve all just… been feeling like this for so long?”

Eddie giggles, rolling his eyes. “Who fucking knows. I’m still processing the fact that you fucking had a crush on me.”

Stan straightens up a bit then, his eyes turning serious. “You can take the past tense out of that sentence.”

Blushing, he sucks in a breath, his belly doing somersaults. 

“Oh.”

“Sorry, I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, Eddie. I know you probably don’t feel that way about me anymore-”

“No!” Eddie scoots to the edge of Ben’s bed, which he’s basically claimed as his own while Ben is out and he’s working on these assignments with Stan in their shared dorm room. “No, I mean… like I said, I just wasn’t really… fully aware of my feelings. And yeah, I have a huge fucking crush on Richie. I think I’m fucking in love with him, and I truly don’t know if or when I’ll ever be able to do anything about it but-” he flicks his eyes back up to Stan’s sheepishly, biting his lip, “but that doesn’t like, lessen my feelings for you.”

Stan doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Eddie feels ice cold panic bristling his nerves. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears Stanley’s bed frame creak when he stands up off of it, and his own head jerks up to watch him slowly move across the small space between Ben’s bed and Stanley’s own, and his heart leaps into his throat when Stan moves Eddie’s books out of the way so he can sit down next to him, their thighs so close but not touching. Somehow the inch of space feels miles wider than the space between them when they’d been sitting across from each other only seconds ago.

“And my feelings for Patty and Mike don’t lessen my feelings for you either, Eddie.”

Eddie sucks in an audible breath through his parted lips as he stares into Stanley’s sincere gaze, and it’s kind of wild how strongly his body reacts toward him. He can’t believe he ever thought these were just residual feelings for Richie. These are an entity all their own, and they’re desperately trying to propel him forward into Stan’s arms. 

“So I guess-” he clears his throat, licking over his lips, “I guess we just… have feelings for each other, then.”

“I guess so.” Stan confirms with a pretty little twinkle in his eyes that sends sparks down Eddie’s spine. 

“Have you ever kissed a guy?”

Stanley looks stunned for a moment before breaking out into laughter, his pink cheeks returning to make Eddie melt. 

“I did, once. It was some kid from synagogue. He had a big sleepover for all the kids the weekend before his bar mitzvah, and he crawled into my sleeping bag and told me he was scared. I told him I was scared for mine too, that I definitely was going to mess up my Torah reading. And he shook his head and told me that he was scared about something else. I asked what, and he kissed me. It was weird, and I didn’t have feelings for him at all. But it definitely made me realize that I have _feelings_ , you know?”

Eddie only nods.

Stan leans in a fraction closer. “What about you?”

Eddie blushes fiercely, shaking his head.

“I’ve never kissed anyone.”

With furrowed brows, Stanley tilts his head thoughtfully. “Really? Not even Greta?” His tone is playful, but it doesn’t stop Eddie from feeling embarrassed. Stan must notice, because he reaches out to squeeze Eddie’s knee. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

Eddie shakes his head, giving him a small smile as he tries to keep his eyes off of Stan’s hand. “It’s okay, I know.” Stan smiles gratefully, his eyes still apologetic. “I just… I thought of kissing Greta. But I only thought about it because I knew that’s what I was supposed to think about. I wasn’t supposed to think about kissing Richie or Bill or you. I didn’t think much about kissing Bill after he introduced me to Richie, though. Then it was always Richie. Except when I was with you,” he smiles softly at the memory, “eventually I just gave up trying to stop it. I always imagined how different it would be with each of you.”

“How did you imagine it?” Stan asks almost dreamily, and Eddie can tell that Stan wants to know because he thinks about the same things, and that makes it so much easier to tell him.

“With Richie… I always imagined it happening in the clubhouse. Or at the quarry. Mostly the clubhouse though, in the hammock. We fell asleep in there together so many times, and I’d wake up on top of him with his arms around me, and I always felt so safe like that. And when I’d look up at him and he’d still be asleep, sometimes I touched his lips with my fingers, just to feel them, you know? I knew he wouldn’t mind, because he let me do it when he was awake too. I’d touch his lips and then touch mine, and imagine what it would be like if we pressed them together. I think it would have been messy and like… needy,” he lets out a high pitched laugh at himself, swallowing down his nerves, “I just know we would have been so grabby and desperate. I think we still would be.”

“You _will_ be.”

Eddie looks up at him from under his lashes with uncertain eyes. “I don’t know about that.”

“Eddie, Richie is literally- I’m pretty sure he’s in love with you, too. His favorite pastime is finding new and usually annoying ways to have your attention on him at all times. And I know that he’s just _like that_ , but it’s different with you. And I know you see it too.”

And that’s true. Eddie knows Richie always seems more occupied with him than anyone else, and it’s always made his heart swell so big it feels like it could burst.

“Maybe you’re right.”

Stanley gives him a nod and a smile. “So?”

“What?”

“How did you imagine it? With me?” 

Stan squeezes his knee comfortingly once more, and Eddie lets out a long breath, this time allowing his eyes to remain trained on Stan’s hand rather than his face.

“Slow,” he mumbles softly, his heart slamming against his ribs, “I always imagined it being slow with you but like… but really intense. We never really slept next to each other at sleepovers, so I didn’t get to really admire you that close up like I did with Richie, but all the times that me and you hung out alone, I’d just stare at you and watch how methodically you always moved. I always pictured you just…” he flicks his eyes up to Stan’s face for a brief moment before letting them fall again, and the look of adoration he finds there gives him the courage to continue, “Like, stopping me in the middle of something and holding my face. You’d stare into my eyes and you’d lean in so slow, stroking my cheeks until I relax because, naturally, I’d be nervous as fuck, and you’d ask first. I know you would. And obviously I say yes, and you’d kiss me so gently. At least, at first… it always got a little- um- a little heated, the longer I’d let myself think about it.”

He hears Stan inhale sharply, and Eddie quickly looks up at him, searching his eyes.

“Eddie…”

“I’m sorry, was that like- that was weird? I’m sorry- I just-”

Eddie gasps when he feels warmth wash over him as Stan’s hands cup his jaw, his thumbs brushing lightly over the line of his freckles. Eddie can do nothing else but stare into his eyes as his blood boils, moving like molasses through his veins. Stan applies the gentlest pressure with his soothing thumbs, and Eddie feels the tenseness slowly seep out of his body until he’s held up by nothing other than his sparking nerves and Stanley’s soft palms. 

“Stanley…”

“Yes?”

“How did you imagine it?”

Stan’s lips tug up at the corners, and Eddie shivers in delight, melting under the heat of his touch.

“Just like you said,” he whispers, one hand sliding up to tuck some of Eddie’s hair behind his ear, “except… I always imagined you asking me if I wanted to. Like you really thought I was doing it as an obligation or something,” he laughs softly, “always so worried, Eddie.”

Eddie licks over his lips, his hands moving to grip onto Stan’s forearms. 

“That’s funny.”

Stan lifts an amused brow. “Why is that?”

“Because I was just wondering…” he scoots closer, staring into Stan’s eyes, “I was wondering if you wanted to kiss me, Stanley.”

“Yes,” he breathes, without hesitation, “for years, Eddie.”

Eddie nods then, his eyes fluttering as Stan slowly moves in. Eddie whimpers the moment their lips meet, his fingers curling around Stan’s arms tightly to ground himself. 

And it’s better than anything Eddie’s ever been able to imagine. Stanley’s lips are soft and calculated, moving and guiding Eddie’s own, and he’s just now realizing that this _really_ is his first kiss. All the daydreaming and imagining, and now it’s finally happening. He gasps against Stan’s lips, and when he feels him pulling back - presumably to ask if he’s okay - Eddie chases Stan’s mouth with his own, sealing their lips together again with a tiny moan. His whole body is alight with the feeling of Stan so close, and carefully, he snakes his arms around Stanley’s neck, urging him to deepen the kiss. And as slowly as Stan has always done in Eddie’s imagination, he presses his tongue against the seam of Eddie’s lips - which part much too eagerly, he knows - but he can’t help it. He’s waited so long for this, most of that time spent waiting he hadn’t even known that he was, and it’s all crashing into him in this moment.

Stanley’s hands slide to the back of his head and neck as he slips his tongue into Eddie’s mouth, and Eddie keens, feeling feverish as the intensity consumes him.

He finds himself wondering if his imagination is right about other things, too. If maybe Richie’s kiss that he someday hopes to receive will be needy and desperate; if their hands will yank and tear at each other’s clothes in their urgency to finally have each other. If Stanley’s kiss will turn into something more: like slow hands slipping beneath the hem of his shirt to expose his skin, Stan’s lips stamping searing kisses into every inch until Eddie is begging him to finally make Eddie his.

He wonders what Mike’s kiss would be like - and what Stanley imagines Mike’s kiss might be like. And even Bill’s, though he hasn’t thought about that in so long - now, he can’t help wondering. 

He wonders…

“Eddie?”

Eddie sucks in ragged breaths, taking a moment before opening his eyes to gaze up into Stan’s, which have darkened in a way that Eddie could never have conjured up in the depths of his mind.

“Yes?”

“How far were you imagining we’d go tonight?”

**Author's Note:**

> steddie rights <3


End file.
